I cheated, or rather, dropping all niceties; I am a cheater, an adulterer. I promised to be forever faithful to my husband on the altar in front of man and God, and then I wasn’t. My husband was the only man I’d ever kissed (grandfathers and scruffy relatives excluded) and then he wasn’t.
And this wasn’t some PG tryst of whispers and a stolen kiss. This was full on rated R, down the rabbit hole with nearly every line drawn and crossed. It’s fascinating how you can think “at-least-I’m-not…” with another guy’s cock in your mouth. And I will not apologize for any discomfort, because sin is uncomfortable, and I will not let it bully me into using soft, safe, church words – call a lion a kitten and lose a limb. I think I might be shy a couple myself (limbs that is, I never had a lion).
Now I’m out, or somewhere closer to the other end. Some people found out, other people were told. It doesn’t really matter. The affair is over. Whether I wanted it to be or not, at least Someone was intent on stopping my self-destructive march down the green mile. Now I get to sit in the aftermath of my destruction, implosion-explosion that has shaken every quark, lepton, and boson in my life, and the lives of several others. All of them amazing people. All of them I wounded deeply.
Did I mention, life really does suck. Not always, but sometimes. Go ahead point out it’s of my own making, I’ll add myself to the mix – sometimes I really suck.
Luckily shadows don’t stay shadows forever, and in the words of N.D. Wilson:
“In this story, every night meets a dawn and burns away the bright joy of morning. In this story winter can never hold back spring.”
So here’s to living in the pain I created, muddling through the dark, remembering there will be a dawn. Already some stars are shining through, if only for a moment. A couple small twinkling lights in the haze. And they are Beautiful.